I had some websites where I posted my diary here and there, but I have yet to continue any of them. If I had a physical diary, my journal would look like a cluster of pieces of paper. Why not? That is also a form of “diary”.

I had a meeting today with my colleagues, who started PhD one year earlier than me. We both strongly agreed that we both have a sort of burnout stage or had that stage, and that might be a part of the research. I didn’t say that I already had this emotional crisis for a long time, and I was holding a cliff using my last bit of energy. I could see this when I was trying to reorganise all my diaries in one place. I don’t know what to say. My diary is full of depressing expressions and exhaustingly dark feelings. It continued from 2016 and still it does. Even before I started to write this, I thought I didn’t know what to write unless the same emotions since 2016.

It was probably the same when I wrote my diary in my teenage time. But the only difference is that I no longer talk about fondness or love. I’m too exhausted to think about any other emotions besides exhaustion.

It is already 2023—surprisingly fast highway speed time. Who said that time is only in our mind? or brain? I no longer remember but at least there is three different types of time.

The time that I think I already experienced, which is different from the notion of the “past”, and the time that is that I’m currently experiencing with the layers of that I had already experienced, and the time that is only sensations governing the passing time. Where is the “present”? I don’t think there is “present” in limited human sense.

Then, what is this whole “new year” thing about?

I remember a conversation PhD students had last year. The question arose:

“How long a PhD student should spend for the research and how long they can have as a holiday.”

The general understanding we all had was that we, as researchers and scholars, don’t have a holiday. But as we are human beings, we should plan well our work hours. Until last year, I didn’t put any holiday in my schedule. There was no distinction between Christmas and term time. I checked my emails 24/7 and read articles without thinking if it was a holiday or a weekend. One piece of advice was delivered to all of us.

Without a well-structured research plan as well as rest time, this marathon would be exhausted before it finished.

Finally, I tried to put Christmas on my calendar. I informed my group members that I’ll have my holiday until the end of December. It would be only 1-2 weeks, but I already feel pushed to work and stressed not to work as lazy behaviour all by myself. One of my friends advised me that having a rest also requires practice. Everything is practice. Living itself is a practice.

In a way, it is an obvious thing. We never lived our life before, we should practice learning how to do it.

I hope I can fully rest this time without being stressed.

In retrospect, it made me feel like challenging running. So many things happened altogether and changed from all different perspectives. I run too hard, but still not satisfied with what I have now. Maybe that’s my way of dealing with a tough life. I run, and I’m still running.

I had some dreams, the dreams that showed me what would happen otherwise. Well, it’s all my dream, fantasy, a possibility from my brain, my logical brain in its own law, so anything possible if that shares the same ground as I experienced in real life. That’s, I believe, the nature in the concept of the future. I run a whole year without actually cleaned out remains and toward forwarding only, so maybe those dreams mean that I need to reorganise the things before I move on to the possibles. In this first year, I wanted to achieve something other than academic, and I think I got 1/5 of that, still a long way to go.

I will restart my short writings here and plan what I want to make for the next. But all before that, I do want some real rest. Maybe in a week or two, I want to watch films and read some casual readings. I was thinking of starting YouTube, but I’m not sure what YouTube is about. Maybe I can make videos about what I am learning now.

I think this kind of short writings might be good for refreshing the new round.

It is surprising in both ways, one is it is already July, and the other is it is yet July. It is not unusual that contradictory two emotions floating around me. Still, I would like to say, this time, more than before, too many emotions and thinking is messing around me.

Few updates of my personal life. First, I had a very short crush this year, and it is over suddenly. Second, I finally stop talking with my ex, text or phone call. Oh, btw I came back to Korea.

Which is more hurt? Which makes me more miserable? Hard to tell. One thing I am sure is I lost my only person who can talk to honestly and sincerely. Maybe it is rightly say that it is not ‘lost’ but ‘throw away.’ No matter what he had done to me, or how he was thinking about me, I cannot deny he was my friend, family, and part of myself. Few people told me that I should cut him off and then I can find a new one soon. But what they didn’t know was I am not that kind of person who can easily find someone and open all the secrete evil mind. I had no one, and I have no one. It was same with my ex. He never understood what is true ‘alone.’ I am the only child and had experienced the moment only someone who can talk to is imaginary friend. Whatever people call it, a toxic relationship? Or a mad lover? Oh, believe me, I had enough of that. But at least he was there for me and listened to what I talked. The first warm experience I had and I doubt that I can have once more.

What now, where are all people who gave me advice? Where are they in my life? Where are you?

You disappeared.

No, I don’t blame you. I knew this will happen. No matter how much people dismiss the idea that they’ll be living on the other side but not with me. I knew I will be alone again. Once I told someone that I’ll obsess with him. What he might don’t understand was that I will obsess with bringing him into my life. I didn’t mean texting or calling once in a year, I expect him to share everything and be prepared to be shared with me everything. What are you doing? How was your day? What are you thinking? Tell me everything. I should be a mundane and fundamental element for his life. 

I don’t like it when you are happy without me. I am jealous of every moment of you without me. Honestly, I was seriously thinking of going there.
But. I suppose you are not. I suppose I was dreaming.

Well.

The story must be ended. There is no next chapter for these relationships. It is drained to think about what he is thinking or how is his life every day, it is just echos, a monologue with no replies. Life never goes back as before. It will be changed however, and I must stand up. I still have this blog I can talk to. My projects where I can express with.
Although there will be no answer, and I still miss you.

What is the nature of making art? If it is not simply about fashioning forms and colours, then it has to do with the production of meaning…If you begin there you realize that potentially everything is material for art, because at some point it has to have an aspect of concretion and must be framed in relation to people’s lives.

Stuart Morgan, and Joseph Kosuth, ‘Art as Idea as Idea: An Interview with Joseph Kosuth’, Frieze, 6 May 1994 <https://frieze.com/article/art-idea-idea> [accessed 22 February 2020]

Yes, I love seaside. From my background, there should always be a reason why that content. but since I had a conversation with my loving friend,

Honestly, I never used this Canon XA10(it was only one remained at uni’s resources store…,) I had no idea what kind of images I can get from it. I was afraid because it was a challenge with the unknown. The place where I’d planned to go, because I already been there, I knew what viewpoint I could get. But that new place was totally unknown, and I should believe my instinct (well that’s life babe.) It doesn’t matter how the image’s quality is high or best colour or not, it is still my image. I had a rough idea that I wanted to make, but real work starts when you really move your hands and begin to do something.

Honest Story

I love to make. It is an exciting experience that I’m actualise something that only existed in my imagination. Although I had a plan, it doesn’t mean that I know why I am doing right now, it can remain a lot of questions. Why sea wave? Why that composition? Why am I making this? Why is tactile or touching so important? After I finished editing, I tried to get the answer to this work; then I realised that I should go back to personal memory.

I remember that hand. No, I am thinking that hand right now. That moment, I didn’t see that hand, but by sense, I could see how it stroked my heart and my hand. I didn’t care in front of the street; how I worked, how was the sky, I just wanted to feel that hand. And I still can see it as if it is happening in front of me. As a third person, I can see in front of me. It is surprising how that small part of the body could create that much sensation. Each of my fingers, fingertips, between the fingers, touched another fingers, fingertips, between the fingers. I don’t remember surrounding, just fingers and warmth of the hand in the dark black hole. It hurt because there was an ending, I knew even that time, it will be end soon. But, no I am not sad because it finished, that long and the short moment has already distilled within my memory, became a violent wave, continuously crush my head and heart. The face faded away from my eyes, that skin scent evaporated from my nose, that warmth cooled in my heart, but that image of touch remained everywhere. It has extracted into the sense of eyes, as a looping memory, possess it as mine and possessed by it.

I never expressed how I felt at that time. Verbal communication is always hard to deliver. The simple words cannot show everything I want to say. I do not know even there was something between hand; I never asked about that moment. Perhaps I was afraid that if there was only one hand. Perhaps I was afraid as soon as I verbalised that memory it would vanish from the memory as if it was just my imagination, never happened in my life.

So, I made this video. I visualised that hand. Metaphorical wave crushes everywhere and touches your eyes from a distance. It never ends, or it ever moves. In the video, visual and sonic senses composed into the one image, but tactile. Is that intentional? Or just I couldn’t deliver the tactility of it?

It’s gone now. Remained only perhaps, maybe or never. But looping.

This post is not organised writing or essay, but the fragmented thought.

Previous

Were we to attempt to see the intervals between things as themselves things, the appearance of the world would be just as noticeably changed

Merleau-Ponty, Maurice, and Donald A. Landes, Phenomenology of Perception (Abingdon, Oxon ; New York: Routledge, 2012), p. 16

If we hold ourselves to phenomena, then the unity of the thing in perception is not constructed through association, but rather, being the condition of association, this unity precedes the cross-checkings that verify and determine it, this unity precedes itself. If I am walking on a beach toward a boat that has run aground, and if the funnel or the mast merges with the forest that borders the dune, then there will be a moment in which these details suddenly reunite with the boat and become welded to it. As I approached, I did not perceive the resemblances or the proximities that were, in the end, about to reunite with the superstructure of the ship in an unbroken picture. I merely felt that the appearance of the object was about to change, that something was imminent in this tension, as the storm is imminent in the clouds.The spectacle was suddenly reorganised, satisfying my vague expectation. Afterward I recognised, as justifications for the change, the resemblance and the contiguity of what I call “stimuli,” that is, the most determinate phenomena obtained from up close and with which I compose the “true” world.

Ibid, pp. 17-18

The unity of the object is established upon the presentiment of an imminent order that will, suddenly, respond to questions that are merely latent in the landscape. It will resolve a problem only posed in the form of a vague uneasiness;

Ibid, p. 18

Is the moment changing? The duration of changing? There is an interesting example by Merleau-Ponty, which is used as the rabbit and the hunter image in English and french version, but different example in Korean translation. When one woman saw her hotel uniform lover, he is a handsome and beautiful lover. But when she saw him by accident around the hotel, he is just a uniformed hotel carrier. (Each book in French and English pages are below.) I am assuming this example differences because the translator used another source such as the Japanese or German version. However, it is fascinating differences how two examples can explain same thing in different way about the shifting of the unity from one to another without interrupting two unity world. Further, for me, it should be approached differently as a lover and as an image. Well, let’s find out how I can use this example

Merleau-Ponty claims that unity of the thing in perception is not constructed through association, but rather, being the condition of association, which can deliver the immediate answer.

Phenomenology of Perception

The unity of the object is established upon the presentiment of an imminent order that will, suddenly, respond to questions that are merely latent in the landscape. It will resolve a problem only posed in the form of a vague uneasiness; it organises elements that until then did not belong to the same universe and which, for that reason, as Kant said insightfully, could not have been associated.

대상의 통일성은 예의 그 광경에 잠재되어 있을 뿐인 문제에 대하여 단숨에 답을 제공하려는 임박한 질서의 예감에 기초해 있고, 모호한 궁금증의 형태로만 제기 되었을 뿐인 문제를 해결해주며, 그 통일에 도달할 때까지 동일한 세계에 속하지 않았던, 그 때문에 칸트가 심원하게 말한 바대로 연합될 수 없었다던 요소들을 조직한다.

Ibid, p. 18

What answer? Answer from the vagueness? Is that means unity is immanent in the quality of the duration even before the unity? Or is it within the duration of the changing? Or shifting. Once this unity constructed until it is changed into a different world, it habitually maintains its world. Him as a unity of the constructed world. This changing should be a painful and aggressive one. Until then, he would be, or I would see him as a different from the others and not as my unity.

The condition of the seeable, which is stimulated by space or the knowledge, doesn’t satisfy my question of the seeable him (Well, obviously, I just started phenomenology of perception, so I guess there is a long way to go). But I remember Susan Sontag is questioning in her book about the pain from the war pictures. Are we used to its pain because photo exposed too often? Or are we getting a different way of affection?

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• Merleau-Ponty, Maurice, Phénoménologie De La Perception, Tel, 4 (Paris: Gallimard, 2009), p. 23; Merleau-Ponty, Maurice, and Donald A. Landes, Phenomenology of Perception (Abingdon, Oxon ; New York: Routledge, 2012), p. 16
• Sontag, Susan, Regarding the Pain of Others (New York, N.Y: Picador, 2003)

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Extra ➡︎ Action and Speech

Reference: Emmelhainz, Irmgard, ‘Can We Share a World Beyond Representation?’, 106, 2020, pp, 1-10

In The Human Condition Arendt stresses repeatedly that action is primarily symbolic in character and that the web of human relationships is sustained by communicative interaction (HC, 178–9, 184–6, 199–200). We may formulate it as follows. Action entails speech: by means of language we are able to articulate the meaning of our actions and to coordinate the actions of a plurality of agents. Conversely, speech entails action, not only in the sense that speech itself is a form of action, or that most acts are performed in the manner of speech, but in the sense that action is often the means whereby we check the sincerity of the speaker.

01

• Lebenswelt: the world of common human experience and interpretation.
• According to Arendt, modernity, propelled by the destruction of all tradition, is characterised by the irretrievable loss of the experience of shared meaning, which was previously created by talking to and making sense with one another. This loss is accompanied by the disappearance of a space for arguing, resining, argumentation: the space of politics, comprised of speech and action. ::Arendt, Hannah, Between Past and Future: Eight Exercises in Political Thought, Penguin Classics (New York: Penguin Books, 2006)::
• As Gilles Deleuze put it, the link between man and the world has been broken. Modernity also means the replacement of “society” and “community” by “mass society.”
• For Arendt, mass society is characterised by isolation and a lack of normal social relationships; as a result, consciousness of a common interest is absent.

04

• For Hannah Arendt, the expansion of authoritarianism in Europes in the twentieth century stemmed from the alienation and loneliness brought about by the degradation of the world in common. ➡︎ 문화적 요소가 결핍됬다기 보다 커지면서 퍼진거겠지
• Representation — the dispositif that, via speech and action, enables appearance in the world in common, and also the human capacity for the creation and dissemination of shared meaning and traditions — has been hijacked by capitalism, authoritarianism, democracy, the internet, and spectacle. ➡︎ 여기서 디스포지티프 의미는 스트럭쳐, 전통과 의미를 구성하는 디스포지티프 ➡︎ 푸코의 글을 다시 읽어보자.
• Speech and action ➡︎ 한나 아렌트의 스피치와 액션의 의미는 뭐지?
  • 고전적 구분을 따른 아렌트
  • 폴리스(polis) = 공공적 영역 -> 활동 ➡︎ speech
  • 사회적 영역 ➡︎ 경제 활동 및 결사 혹은 집단 ➡︎ 생의 욕구를 해소 하는 장소
  • 오이코스(oikos) = 사적 영역
• ::각각의 영역에는 각각의 dispositif가 존재하는 걸까?::
• 여기서 아마도 푸코와의 차이점은 (혹은 같은 점은) Political I’magination (19세기) reproducers a representative form of social cohesion. They did this by constructing and disseminating a world of shared meaning that expressed the alleged “essence” of an imagined community: shared cultural history, iconography, language, food, and dress. ➡︎ ::Anderson, Benedict R. O’G, Imagined Communities: Reflections on the Origin and Spread of Nationalism, Rev. ed (London ; New York: Verso, 2006)::
• 1960년대경에선 아트계에서 abandoned representation and dismissed representativity as totalitarian structures, as vehicles for a bland, sexist, and racist humanism and a trite universalism. ➡︎ 청소년기에 있는 것 처럼 스트럭처를 거부했고 (만들어진 스트럭처) 그러면서 각자가 결국 자신의 젠더, ethnic origin, political struggle, or sexual orientation을 대표하며 입장을 발표했다.
• Minorities
• 1980s ‘90s 경에선 representativity 가 다시 되돌아왔고 with a vengeance through identity politics and consciousness-raising activism
• A new, invisible social contract was drawn up in which individuals would now only speak on behalf of themselves as representatives of their own persona experiences of ethnic, political, or gendered specificities, with the mandate to address “everyone” and to secure recognition of “my” ordeal ➡︎ ::결국 self 는 representation으로 밖에 존재할 수 없게 된 것 아닐까? 나는 나를 represents 한다. Self-representation. 하지만 만약에 이게 계속 된다면, 결국 남는 건 텅 비어버린 representation.::
• 20세기 후반에 globalisation dismantling of the referential economy of political and aesthetic modernity ➡︎ assigned artists universal representativity. Under globalisation, art is disseminated to a globalised mass society through and internationalised culture industry. ➡︎ ::아트 란 그룹 자체로 representation ➡︎ 이건 사실 아트가 아트만을 얘기하게 된 계기가 될 수도 있겠다.::

07

• The main problem with artworks that speak on behalf of the struggle of others, or that seek recognition for “my private ordeal.” is that they inhibit a moralising realm of non-shared meaning ➡︎ ::의미 없는 외침:: ➡︎ ::이건 다시 같은 질문으로 되돌아온다, 혼자서만 하는 소리를 작업할 의미가 있는가?:: ➡︎ ::아트 학교에서의 문제점 중에 하나는, 개개인의 목소리에 귀를 기울이기에 점점 더 개인적이 되어가는 질문이 된다는 것에 있을지도 몰라.::
• When despotic forms of empathy prevail, action and speech are reduced to sheer appearance. Speech without action — such as speech that merely demands recognition — fils to disclose the position that the speaking human occupies in relation to others and the world, beyond simple identitarian or subjective categories. In the opposite case — when we have gestures without speech — these gestures take the form of brute physical action without verbal accompaniment and are thus meaningless (like terrorist attacks or massacres in schools and public spaces.) ➡︎ ::이거야 말로 내가 커뮤니케이션의 중요성을 말했던 부분중에 하나다::
• For Arendt, actions are only made relevant by the spoken word, which identifies the speaker as the actor announcing what she’s is doing, thereby giving meaning to her actions, but only in relation to others. In other words, no other human behaviour is in greater need of speech than action

09

• Through speech and action, we not only learn to understand each other as individual persons, but also to see the same world from on another’s (sometimes opposing) standpoints. In this context, universality means that while everyone sees and hears from a different position, some people have the capacity to multiply their own point of view. ➡︎ ::Arendt, Hannah, Between Past and Future: Eight Exercises in Political Thought, Penguin Classics (New York: Penguin Books, 2006), p. 219.::

This post is not organised writing or essay, but a fragmented thought.

From the last posting, I think it is worth continuing the topic. Although I am interested in the topic of the moment of becoming ‘seeable’ or the after a moment of affection (I guess I should read Massumi again), it is still related to what is ‘seeing’ in Foucault’s term

First of all, what intrigues me is when Rajchman describe that Foucault’s seeing is not only visionary but is part of doing. There are two ‘doing’ in self-evidence prison, a participation or acceptance we can refuse. In Foucault’s idiom, évidence is related to the acceptability of a practice. “It is to try to see how we might act on what cannot yet be seen in what we do. It is, in short, a “critical” art, and it is in exercising it that Foucault would be, in Deleuze’s term, a seer or voyant (p. 94).” Then, what is the seer? Deleuze explained Foucault’s seer as a someone who seeing unseen évidneces that makes things we do acceptable or tolerable to us (Deleuze, 1986). In other word, Foucault opens up the conversation that unseen self-evidence, which is not hidden but unseeable. Rather deliver decisive answer but, a seer that make unseeable to seeable êvidnece. If I can connect with this relationship, I may say relationship itself, or the moment itself can be an act of seer with out subject.

Foucault found the similarity of the historians’ eye to the fiction’s making visible the unseen space of seeing, making visible unseen manifest.

not to show (faire voir) the invisible, but to show the extent to which the invisibility of visible is invisible. Hence [fiction] bears a profound kinship with space. . . .

Foucault/Blanchot, New York, Zone Books, 1987, p. 24.

The similar aim which showing how things might be otherwise, beyond our self-evidences, other possibilities in life (I would like to connect this in the next post about the ‘clicking moment of the realisation’; what is realisation? is it from the invisibility? or unseen? and the second question would be the relationship with the space or the power of the space). Furthermore, Foucault continues to the ‘spatialisation’ of knowledge, rather than perceptual evidence through a logic of inference, inductive or deductive, as modern western scholars are obsessed with observation, the knowledge, in fact, constructed as fiction writers.

Here, I should make clear about my understanding, that it is not about the validation of the philosophy or the science, but the social construction of the knowledge and the space, until the eye no longer deciphers the “prose of the world,” and where, therefore, “the eye was … destined to see and only see, and the ear to hear and only hear (Foucault, The Order of Things, p. 43.). There are many way of the “modes of spatialisation,” such as Natural science’s “technology of the visual”: observatories, microscopes, cyclotrons. And experimentation is central to them. This is not only the history of the philosophy or science, but in the fine art, where validation of the eye had been playing main role. While machinery vision replaced human vision, human eyes had located in new way of spatialisation(let’s keep talking about this later.) Of course, both related representation of the language in theFrench idea which voir with évidence(isn’t it same for Deleuze? Folding the idea from the french), and the knowledge as a spatialised contents in the brain. Is it lost space? displace? Here, again question is what is Foucault’s ‘spatialisation?‘ what does it means when he said space makes knowledge seeable? what’s Foucault’s apparatus?

One of the essential conditions for the epistemological “thaw” of medicine at the end of the 18th century was the organization of the hospital as an “examining apparatus.”

Foucault, Discipline and Punish, p. 185.

• Massumi, Brian, Parables for the Virtual: Movement, Affect, Sensation, Post-Contemporary Interventions (Durham, NC: Duke University Press, 2002).
• Rajchman, John, ‘Foucault’s Art of Seeing’, October, 44 (1988), 89–117 <https://doi.org/10.2307/778976>
• “An Interview with Gilles Deleuze,” History of the Present(Spring 1986), p. 1.
• Foucault, Michel, and Maurice Blanchot, Maurice Blanchot, the Thought from Outside (New York : Cambridge, Mass: Zone Books ; Distributed by the MIT Press, 1987), p. 24.
• Legg, Stephen, ‘Assemblage/Apparatus: Using Deleuze and Foucault’, Area, 43.2 (2011), 128–33

When I first saw him.

The seeing is not about the biological vision, but a moment of recognition about a person, as in front of you or in the same space. It can be anywhere–a first meeting, or a date, or in a party. This visibility can be triggered by anything, from the voice or his perfume or small gesture. Actually, it doesn’t matter what makes him seeable because there is no decisive factor for each case. That moment comes without reason or definite time but suddenly make him seeable. Only that time, he arrives in your life, changes my seeing into a different angle. It is not like the romantic movie that illustrates this moment with bright sunshine or the sound of the bell. It is plain moment, something made you notice him. From that moment, the memories with him pile up and becoming accumulation in the part of life.

I have small doubt about what Foucault said “form of visibility.” As Deleuze pointed out, he is an “audiovisual” thinker. His idea about the relationship between space, knowledge, and power are related to visibility. Human’s physical interaction with spatiality creates seeable knowledge, which has been generated in different disciplines and knowledge. Yet, this visibility cannot explain the visibility of the moment of recognition in the individual relationship. My experiment started a long time ago by taking off my glasses. I cannot see clearly, his face nor his features. This restriction of the one sense, however, cannot prevent seeing him once I recognised him. Once he became seeable, vision restriction is not a huge problem to make him feelable. I can see him in the crowd, I can feel him without seeing him. Maybe, this is what Foucault wanted to assert in his book; the power of the moment of becoming seeable. The moment of the awareness.

It generated a few questions; when I could “see” him? Why I can still “see” him? When he becomes a personal relationship? About the personal relationship, when it becomes stronger than the moment of the seeable, personally, it is the moment when he got the name. Not a name of his own, but a name from me. As name becoming more personal, his feature becoming stronger inside of me. One Korean poem I love, Kim Chun Soo’s ‘Flower‘ goes

Before speaking her name
she had been nothing but a gesture.

When I spoke her name,
she came to me and became a flower.

Now who will speak my name,
one fitting this colour and fragrance of mine,
as I had spoken hers
So that I may go to her and become her flower.

We all yearn to become something.
I yearn to become an unforgettable meaning to you
And you to me

Seeable, is more to see the gesture of the form. It has no particular subjectivity until it gets its name. However, I am still questioning, how I noticed him, his form of gesture, feelable gesture, the moment of the seeable to feelable. When he was “nothing but a gesture.” It is difficult question, and I have, yet, no answer about this questions. I only can say, it is beautiful changing, beautiful my own changing, and beautiful forgetting. But I cannot figure out what happened in that moment. This visibility is strong enough to make me forget about before the seeable moment.

What happened exactly?
Why can I see you?
Why am I looking for you?
Why your gesture makes me feel?

I’m listening to music. What else I can do? In this time, in this mood. I cannot read anymore, I cannot watch anything. I won’t call it depression or sorrow, whatever makes me sound like weak or stupid. I know I am already self-indulgent, but if you want to call me a drama queen, then, so be it. I won’t deny or stop it. If that’s what would see me. How can I do? I can’t change you, as I won’t change myself.

I have anger inside. A devil inside of me. Well, I actually do not know what is inside me. Sometimes, it appears as anger, and sometimes, it explodes as sorrow. I have tried so long time to explain what this monster or real me inside looks like. It is eagerly trying to devour all of you until nothing left on you. It needs to have your everything, and it must know abyss underneath your heart where even you don’t know it exists. But it says I can’t show my desire to you, because it is ugliest and unlovable impairment. Instead, I need to suffer every moment that I can’t have you. So, I leave, before I can’t handle my desire, I fly away even before anything started. All the time. Like poltroon. Before my biggest fear actualised, before I damage someone I love with this horror, as it has damaged me so long time.

Ask, the explanation of everything that I did. Torture, everything that I didn’t do. Criticise, what I wanted to try to do. Tell, I am not deserve anything.

I just wanted a hug. And tell me everything is fine.
I just wanted a hold my hand. And tell me you like naive me.
I just wanted a silly smile. And tell me, I have you.

Instead,
I shout a cry.

Why do I like moving image? Is it because it makes me less lonely? or it makes me hard to think anything else than images? When looking back at my work at BA and MA, most of them were cute drawings or pseudo infographics (well, if I can go back to that time, I would erase all of them.) When did I change to video practice? I actually very clearly remember when it was because it was my foremost intense experience I ever have done. I did like liveness of the performance with my video and audiences. Shockingly made me alive. I felt I can disappear and just let my work alone. There was an image that moving seems like it took over my life into themselves and create a new conversation with the people.

Photography or still images doesn’t make me that life. Even if that is performative practice, it doesn’t talk back to the other people, instead, it creates a monologue itself. It feels like it is just a diary or doodles, a trace that I made a trace for someone, it is still part of me. However, the moving image takes my life from me. Soon after I present it, it starts performs itself within a certain time and space, where it doesn’t need me anymore. In that space, I am peeping around that part of me talking to the other, which will reflect me but I would never control with. It is certain death. Not a permanent death but partial death that will be replaced by new life from the presented work.

I want to make my statue that can replace me. Pour my sorrows into that statue so I can keep mine instead.

We

I just suddenly started writing and didn’t notice this long… just wrote anything without conclusion…Sometimes I feel that the connotation of ‘desire’ is, even in Art institutions, inevitably connected with negativity. In many time, desire to live, to be loved, to be happy, and beauty–either sexually or sacred, is conceived as a manifestation of the chaotic and naive expression.

“Pure” babies are monstrously demonstrating those desires. For instance, the desire to devour all the knowledge from the world is associated with the desire to survive. However, as an icon of the “pureness,” those emotions have conceived something that should be protected until it is somehow stained with ‘black desires.’ Surely, it shouldn’t be compared to a ‘pure baby,’ who has no freedom or ability to think about the freedom, with a grown human’s desires in ‘beautifully constructed society,’ which must be protected for the consensual civilisation.

All the anger, recently has shown in many countries, are delivered by the lack of satisfaction of the desires. Which is, I believe, should be the most basic fulfilment; ‘Desire to Live as a Human being.” In my opinion, the negativity of desire is not coming from ‘pure desire,’ but from the laking in desire. Backfire of this poverty of desire causes anger, fury, and finally abandonment. Which we can observe from young people in East Asia(I’m talking here mostly, South Korea and Japan, where young people’s desire are rejected and denied.) This is my most concern recently. More and more desires become and camouflaged into pure anger, as it is the answer of all. However, show your desire, is not means that break down everything with anger, but building the foundation to achieve those desire, which I believe the most potent stimulus for life. Babies are not crying to angry, they cry to fulfil their basic desire.

There should be a reason why these disguises happening. But it is impossible to grasp the one reason for the current social problem, and of course because I’m not a expert for social or economic, so it isn’t make sense that I conclude the reason here. But I’m studying communication, especially for visual and social. Therefore, I believe is it worth to tackle this problem from the ‘desire’ point of view. I believe the power of desires, but before we really understand what is desired and what we want, it cannot show its potentiality and possibility.

Talking about how my childhood was or my experience was, now I feel that is just additional information about me. Many texts need a context to understand, but people don’t want to understand someone with context. It seems people think “Present” shows everything about that person. Maybe that is what they believe. At least, that was how I felt. Well, sometimes there is someone who can understand me without any explanation. When I across that person I feel free from any language. One hand, I doubt that will never happen, on the other my mind, I believe there could be someone I can be there without any language. And that is the one I should stay keep.

I have a reason why I obsess about the communication, why I crazy about the image. But I’ll skip that part. Because I don’t think someone cares about the reasons that much as much I did and I do to you.

There was and is one thing I keep saying about. “Neutral Design” or “Neutral Image”. I know it is not trendy in this era. Many people believe that we need to fight for our concept, for our ideology, for our belief. Without fighting for your possession, you are letting the other to take it. This is the one I never understand. First of all, I ideology is my soul, you can have yours but you will never change mine, even if you are dominating the whole world. It is not like possession or property that you can buy or change. You can influence it, but it is not because of you. I am the one who made a change.

When I was just started my MA course, and when I spoke out that I want to be neutral, people asked me that if I spoke out something that will never be neutral. I agree. I am a stubborn person. I will try to keep mine because it is “me”. But when I was saying I want to be “neutral”, I meant that I am prepared to accept there is another ideology. That is my “Neutral”. Neutral is not means whatever it is, you keep it gray, but it means you bear in your mind there is another way to see. As much you believe something, there should be someone equally believes the other thing.

Someone told me I am Utopianist. I don’t think so. I am not Utopianist, but I am actualist. I still don’t understand why some people don’t understand differences that two things. I believe we all different. If someone believes that we all can be united by something, I want to call s/he Utopianist.

Of course, I can’t deny that I met someone or sometimes I never can understand. If you know me, you will know when I say “thinking” means literally think fully. I still don’t get it. I want to get a clear answer. As much I desire of communication, I have a hunger about the clearness. It is contradictional speech, I know. Because I believe the diversity of the meaning of communication, then I am telling you I desire of definitiveness. One hand, I promoting “Neutral”, then the other hand, I am claiming the importance of determination. I think it is coming together. As I said above, to be neutral, you should be clear what position you are sitting. Individually, we should be clear about what is individual is, who I am. Only then, it is possible who are they, and who you are.

I am trying. Of course, I am not SAINT. I have a lot of drawbacks as you have. Quantity is not the matter, but the quality is positioning us. I don’t believe any of human-decided standard. I don’t believe any of standard. It is not standard but it is culture. Depend on time, it is changing.

Fuck. I have a lot of things wanted to say. I forgot. I forgot how to put here. Maybe it is time to say nothing.

I know it is a boring theme to talk. I am a boring person. Or my interest is boring. If it is boring it is not because of this topic, nothing wrong with this topic. It could I am talking in a very boring way.

What I wanted to say, that songs talked instead of me.

Fucking messy

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”

-Peter pan-

From Chrismas, I worked very hard and trying to do my best. First thing I want to make clear is “I was not that kind of person who only works and only works”. I love to drink, I love to dance and I love to love. Without thinking and just go straight until I can’t go anymore. I still remember all the night hang out with friends singing at the Karaoke until dawn. I miss that moment with my friend talking about the life and love with lots of alcohols. Yeah, maybe the key word is “alcohol” here. HA

Drink until die.

It sounds stupid, but it was the time we all just wanted to be together. All night All day.

I have that fantasy with me. A fantasy that someday I can never worry about all my flaw and inferiority complex, and drink with my person until both die in same bed. Talking about each other, from deep inside of monsters and high dreams of unicorns. That is only my romance. Conquer the humanity together.

It is easy to find someone physically attractive. Few elements, few parts of the attraction and magic of the dumb water then BOOM. However, it is not easy to find someone who can share a total of me. Totality, exposure of the inside monsters. The bravery for the Admission only can show the life relationship. Admit the monsters inside of me and show as it is. Tell him I am not the perfect person and I am not even trying to be perfect but be myself. This is the most difficult part of the relationship. Because the ego will not let you do it. Ego, the existence of mind continuously trying to hold the reason why am I in this world and why I should be here. As soon as you are not wanting to be perfect and not want to good person for society, ego would lose its firm foundation. This is the error of the “Future”. Ego’s reasoning towards the future not for now.

I am not the exception. But when I doing a project I really try hard to ask myself what I want to show “NOW” rather than what I want to make in the future. I am not living in possibilities. I don’t want to become a “Possibility”. I am who I am now. I can be changed but that is “I will” choose to be.

But, So many excuses distracting me. I have no longer clear judgement about my decisions. Is it just excuse or my decision? Are my ego and myself still struggling? Who was it when I decide not to/to do it?

Life is short. I started realising that the word “life is short” is not literal means of the shortness. The real meaning is the time of “Present” is passing by. The volume of the life. The volume is conclusive as each moment is. Each of “Present moment” is completely fixed and closed, which will never be getting back again. Maybe our life is amassed moment. The volume of the life is not experienced by systematic “Time”, which is defined by certain rules of the others.

I am not satisfied by only tackling the future. I want the total death of the Time. Distortion and destruction of the time. That’s, I believe, the only way to make myself forward, without any configurations.

Just suddenly, I wanted to spend a time with deep conversation. The conversation that can make me forget the volume of the time.

Sweet death of Present.

I always thought I was born as a communication designer.
But I started to doubt about contemporary design itself.

“Personal Curiosity in the field is a SIN
but the curiosity engaging with society is correct”

I just wanted to ask, why pure curiosity and pure desire is claimed as a useless or wasteful behaviour. Isn’t entire human history and knowledge had built on somebody’s curiosity? On that “Useless” trials?

Honeybees do not build in a hexagon in purpose. They just build a circle but environment changed into the hexagon. Changing is unavoidable, but the changed and survived result is not necessarily proof that the first aim was growth or efficiency. Evolution was not aimed at efficiency but desire. It interpreted as efficiency because people want to see in that way. There is no fucking EFFICIENT OR BEST SOLUTION. We are the one who is making or adapting the environment. Even if it survived once, that is not means that is the perfect answer.

I feel no one care about “present” anymore. What we are using, how we are living. People talk about the Present when only talk about the future. If we can’t understand Present, US, Right now, how’s past can make any changing for future? It seems, there is only past and future without present tense.

Wittgenstein claimed human communication or understand is a fucking confusing game. The meaning of the word is constantly changing by people and culture. We only can guess vaguely, follow the evidence of the context.

The problem is, I think I am not a contemporary or even postmodern person. I can’t understand what our society wants from me. I feel I was denied my existence to be in the present because I am not “EFFICIENT” for society.

Fucking no clue.

Few weeks I couldn’t rid of thought about my memories. I don’t know why it started or why it keeps coming back. Maybe because of the weather, or perhaps I am living in the past, as always.

A few days ago, I had a conversation about the loneliness. She said this city makes us lonely. At that point, I started thinking about loneliness, the isolation in general. I am very familiar with loneliness. My entire life was living in fear and experience that I can be fade away from the others. My childhood and teenager was surviving from the isolation. I witnessed adults’ crying, shouting, and misery. It seemed much better to live in my head, in my fantasy. I tried to figure out how to deal with being alone and building my world in my head. All kind of childish escape I can try at that age, TV, video game, books and finally sleep had been tried. I can say I am really good at this. At least I believe so. That disbelief of the human or to the communication maybe already started from very early age. Communication is not starting until somebody really desires it. Tossing the voices and touches cannot reach to the mind. The information is not communication. I desired to share my mind with someone. Communication is carving my name on to the other’s heart and scare over for life. No matter I believe or not, I just desired and craved to be carved and tamed.

I think I was lucky. I met some peoples. Even before I could understand myself, they tried to listen and understand me. For me, it was a miracle, that cannot be true. Yes, that was the problem. It can’t be right. In my world, either I was dreaming, or I got wrong. Two different of thought standing each other. Fear and Desire. I don’t think this is because of the city where I am living in. At least, it is not my loneliness. I still remember I lost relationships because even my ego and belief cannot be together. Desiring is dedication. Truly wanting something as if I ready to sacrifice myself. I couldn’t release ego and belief’s fight. That was the reason for loneliness.

I don’t know I am prepared not to be lonely. And sometimes I think maybe I want to be tamed violently, so makes my mind dull not to think anything. Like on a high as hell.

When I talk, I feel shy and fool.

When I show design, I feel strong and temptational.

I chose the design because I thought I could express my feelings better than vocal or written language.

Still, I think my works can deliver my emotion better than my LINGUISTIC expression.

I know it is much slower, but still, I hope my design can show my heart, how much I like you.

Visual language is the only thing I can be honest and truthful about.

“Man is the tool-making animal. The history of man is the history of tools into machines, greater and more efficient functioning elements.”
K. Dick, P. (1954). Souvenir. Fantastic universe, 2(3), pp.41-51.

“Things are what we encounter, ideas are what we project.”
Stein, L. (1927). The A-B-C of Æsthetics. California: University of California.

Here, the story begins with a name. A name you never heard before or you are familiar but not sure who it is. Then, story continues. Telling you a story which leads you to follow.

Many of the novels, start with an unknown name. That is very same as a newspaper. You are reading a story or seeing moving photographs. Is it true? or is it based on true story? It doesn’t matter if it makes sense. A narrative will allow making story/world for that name to live. From when we started watching movies says “based on true story?” Is it really matter whether it is a true story or not? Or, it is just referencing the source? Let’s makes it clear. referencing is not means that production dedicates the story to that name. It means I am using your name to support my story. There is no space for the “name” of the true story.

Where “name” goes? Where that person goes? It is just gone. Never appeared actually.

Homo sapience sapience. That is my name. I am “human being”. That’s also my name. I am Moon. That is another specific name. But is it really matter whether it happened to me? or is it matter to you because we have the same name as a human being? Have you cried before for someone’s life? and have you cried before for another creature’s life? What was different between them? Is it because we have a common name as a homo sapience? or we have a common as a mammaliaformes? How about the bugs or bees. Any other form can make you cry? or at least make your emotion trembling? Do you really believe it is because of that name? Very personal and very individual that name?

A name on the novel has not any different. It is just name written by text, nothing more than that. But the story holding its disappearance. Its death.

Let’s closer than that. Let’s imagine someone who is close to you but not enough to know more than exposed life. Nothing more than daily conversation such as “how are you”. Do you think you know better than novel character? Actually, It is even not close to the main character. Sub-character around your life, encounters. The relationships between sub-characters we are living in, that is I am sad about. We are encountering each other but never collide together. I know I will be just a sub character who comes out once a while and provide critical evidence to follow the main story. Nothing more than that.

Sometimes I think human is not the social animal, but desire animal who wants to become as myself. Someone who wants to create the world wholly my own. That is, I believe, the power once Foucault mentioned. Recognised by the name. A name. Therefore, the story with that name fully devoted to that name.

At least for me. That is the power of the name. Once you have, you are seized by it. Your world seized by it. The first encounter we meet. A name to call or represent for me. A name makes me visible, that makes me alive. First “things” that I meet. I was not meant to be with my name. I have met it after I realise there is a world. That name was my first world to expand.

Then, it stopped. Even if I became famous. I am not the one who actually recognised, but my name who travelling without boundaries. We are together, but the power of it totally owned by the name. Such disappearance, the lonesome disappearance is continuing day by day.

Caution : This words do not represent me 

Most of the time, I am thinking about myself. All the years and days, through my whole life, I am thinking about only myself. All the questions and curiosities come from me, from physical matters to mental difficulties. It is because I can just surely questioning and answering about my present, and also I believe any of my thought and understanding about outside of my brain cannot represent the others. I can explore through my bodies which are wholly generated by my brain, but it is mine and constitution of myself, even if your existence helped to start. Since I can remember myself, or since I could feel my existence, I have been wondering why I am doing certain things and feel that ways. So, I cannot help myself.

Some people could say that I am talking about my memories again(!) as I always did on my blog. Well, I guess that is human nature, wanting to know what I am and where I come from. So I should apologise first because it is not the story about general human history but myself.

Before asking about Human, I should have separate myself and the others. Myself could part of human nature, but human nature didn’t include in me. Or it can be opposite. Therefore I could understand some of me from human nature but to fully understand myself I should define Human and clarify core of my part. I do not believe many philosophers studied human mind because they loved their species. I think they fond themselves much more, so unavoidably, they should consider their parents first. How narcissist they were! Pardon me if I am too sarcastic, but I rather call me masochism, because I am one of them.

I am alive and have senses, also can pass my gene to next generation with my eggs (although I did not check properly yet), so I guess I am living organism. My DNA – follow my DNA analysis – mostly passed by Korean 98%, but before 300 years ago, my blood mixed with Japanese and Chinese. It is possible to say my ancestors come from Chinese if we are talking about the modern geographical situation. Of course, I am Asian. Anyone can figure through my appearances. Black hair and black – some friends told me it is brown – eyes. Even my bone structure is telling me I got many of my genes from a specific flow of DNA. I have more natural endurance and muscles. My face is not getting red easily by alcohol god bless Korean gene. I may have young looking thank for my mom’s gene or from above.

Is it explaining about me?

All of the information can explain about part of my blood – stored my genesis stories. As DNA is only saving their mortgage for future, whole earth creature’s stories are in Me, and all of us. We all sharing 99% of genes, since we had a massive total extermination. Only remained som Sapience made this world. Again, thanks to Eve Sapience.

Any of this is not me. At least, is not comes from me, it comes from the others. All of this information – visible, detectable and collectable information is not me. This information could generate or stimulated from my existence, but never comes from my present. In another word, it is you. It is the information which you can measure, distinct and classify about me, How? Through the generalised and scandalised sign of the information which we call Modern Language. Since, all human can sense and decipher only through own senses – or let’s say after Babylon tower we cannot understand spoken language each other, there is just one source to digest the exterior information as a general Knowledge. It is measurable Language. Datum point and It is now we call “Information Data – metadata”. I wonder how many people had a chance to questioning about what they truly are. Not as information, not asking yourself you are normal or why and how you are different with the others but how you think. I think, “who I am” question is not solvable by any information from outside. It is a question directly asking to you. How you feel, how you are.

All the feelings that have afflicted on my whole life. All the emotions that I wanted to get answers. None of that can translate into any language at once. It needs stories to carry away. They need a carrier to weave in one – ME. I am the only one existence which storing whole context archive. Maybe someone calls it Brain or someone depicts it as the SURFACE. But as I am claiming my current, it is still “manifest me”.

I am a designer. At least I think I am a visual communicator. I love myself, as Narcissus who was watching his reflection on the fond. So, I want to know what you are thinking. How you see the world. How we look at each other. How I and you are thinking about all of the World. I believe it is inseparable devotion. Many times, I was telling people I do not trust spoken and written Language. I still do. This is why I always chose to observe surroundings and stories left behind. It takes times because I need to follow up your time. However, that times tangled in you, it will become in one once we follow each other.

Please tell me your stories from the inside of you.
Images and Imaginations will tie up the stories,
And then, one day. I will not alone anymore.

My mum used to say that if I had my child, then I could understand my mother’s mind. It was not about young or naive personality, only I needed was mutual understanding. So, I thought if I physically got through many things then I could understand the world. I should travel a lot for the broad vision, or I should marry someone for the wisdom that I cannot get if I don’t marry someone.

I somehow agree with that idea. I can’t tell if I haven’t experienced. But I am not sure that can be the reason I must try. Even if I am impassioned with intervening, there are a lot of things that I cannot experience. There is no way to fully understand how the man feels about life, no way to say how another group of people felt about the world. I don’t know how boyfriend thinks about the girlfriend. That is because there is a solid wall called “ME”. These uncomprehensive holes are from “The other’s” which I cannot fill up 100 percent. How much I try, it is utterly outside of me-world. I will never know how they felt. So, should I alter my sex, marry someone and change my nationality to understand them?

When I was younger, I thought if I try to explain my feeling hard enough the others then they can understand me. If they cannot, it should be either they are not wanting to know me enough or I was not trying enough. I thought the gap of understanding is happening from the desire to know someone.

The whole concept based on an idea, there is a possibility that we all can understand anything if we have spoken thoroughly and experienced absolutely. But is it true? If I experience enough, explained enough, wanting enough, everyone will know each other enough? I have a shadow of a doubt with that. Even if we are trying to communicate each other through the social code, gesture, language, arts, science, general emotion expression or even same sexual gene. It is not enough to communicate each other. These are just one fragment of agreement of what we might mean.

Whole humans’ social acts are, I believe, to share and to receive precise and accurate idea and thought. But it failed to persuade each other in spoken words or written words. As soon as words, texts or sounds departed from the original point, it starts lost its fragrance. Any of that was not perfect.

Nowadays, we all saying equalitarianism sexually, genetically. Some might said we should be all deserve to be equal and the others could persist it is where the humankind should achieve. But still, during we are talking about equality and for gaining the equality, we are fighting each other. Against each other sexually, genetically or nationally. I think that is because we all use the same word in various meaning. There is only “General” stream and estranged stream, but no one can’t tell what is the correct means of “Good” stream.

I am still young. Maybe I haven’t experienced enough to comprehend any of truth. I am not an idealist. I do not believe there will be a perfect tool to accomplish ideal society. We all are trying in individual ways. Still, none of them was perfect, or All of them were perfect. It is because I believe, we are all individuals. We might guess how we can be okay, but we impossibly know how the other could be happy. We can guess though, but it is my criterion, not theirs.

Simple answer or confusing monologue. We all different. We all cannot perfectly understand the world. There is no “one” solution for all of us. There are individual solutions for individuals. With this understanding – If there are only selves but not groups – not against each other but lean on each other, I hope I can be myself, not controlled by experiences and circumstances.

Or not.

Few months passed by after I wrote New but Familiar (1). I was frightened by changing. When I tried to read my past writings, I realised how much words I have written about the fear of changing. Then, a question came in. What is “New” and “Familiar” to me? Why was I thinking about them as a changing? Familiar can be something well known from long or close. It can be described as diamond or mineral. First, it was the minuscule amount of fragment which is “new”. After, it piled up until hardening enough to become one large piece. This is how I imagine about Familiarity/Wontedness. It should be new at the first time. There is no, I believe, such a thing that already used to seeing or acting without the experience.

However, when we witnessed and recognised something as “Familiar”, it is already passed that moment of the present. Is it past then? The moment I experienced is not present, but it can be called present, just altered as hardened diamond. The Familiarity or experience are already absorbed to the Present. For example, if I used to drink coffee every morning. The morning coffee is familiar to me. This accustomedness is the feeling that I can feel now. Only I can be sure about nowness, not the bygones because I believe, time — especially that now experiencing time is the only moment that I can say about existing.

Once, I said, “I think therefore I am”. To be sure, I want to fix it precisely. “I am thinking therefore I am”. I think only one thing in the world I can say confidently is one fact that “I am thinking”. Accustomedness is only the fact from the moment of the present but emerged just now which I believe that it might affect from my memories.

Back to the “coffee”, I know I have been drinking coffee almost every day, so I feel comfortable with morning coffee. However, this feeling is newly fabricated just “now” because all the past/memories only exist now, it cannot be in the past as a new memory. If it can exist, it cannot be me, memory itself separate from me and become “I am”. Moreover, if it exists itself as a new memory in the past, then I cannot attest it is there. If my thinking is correct, which accustomedness is newness and there is only one dot/now, what is accustomedness exactly? I described as diamond or mineral which I only witness the existence as a diamond. Nevertheless, I cannot observe the past. I do not deny scientific truth or fact. The starter of the diamond exist but as a now, as emerged into the present. It is here together. My standpoint can be controversial and ambiguous.

My standpoint can be controversial and ambiguous. But now, it is clearer that I was frightened changing was actually was not changing but disconnection of the Logos. I was, and I am splitting myself into two or more. I said present me and past me, but it is also present me. They are here, but I forced to separate each other. I thought I know what happened in the past which exist in the present. But both are present. Both are one. The past, present and future are Trinity – except I don’t believe future exist itself because it is just probability from the present, so it is also following present but not hoarding.

Now, it is time to – I know, it is a contradictory word – talk about Newness/changing.

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To be continue

Recently, Part of me was thinking about the project, and the other part was thinking not to thinking the others. I just couldn’t focus. I had tried to watch movies and went to galleries. After 1 minute I started thinking how can I figure out the solution for my project. I was in stuck deeply. Everything I did make me guilty because I blamed myself.

Now, everything — presentation, project finished. Well, still my thinking is going on, so technically it is not done yet I guess. The Blur of thinking started to wind up with tagged parts of ideas. I believe it was necessary to have this time. It was needed to tide up the direction of my entire projects. From the beginning, whimsicalness attacked me and confused me what was I wanted. Before I got in my school, I believed I am sure about my taste. Even I was telling my friends this is a merit to getting old. Because I thought older I am, wiser I could be. Every time I found someone’s essays, I realised how much I was ignorant in Design and Life or even about my natural inclination.

I don’t know me.

Of course, it should be. I’ve never thought about thoroughly what indeed I am chasing. Just like a hunting dog, only looking for a hare that I wanted to catch. I knew I like it, but didn’t know why I like it.

Asking question myself is, I believe, very critical. If you started to think about happiness and seeking what is the sufficient condition for the happiness, before you practically deepening inside, you should ask yourself what is happiness means to you. Lay solid foundation stone and start to build up — or side whatever. But, I didn’t. I didn’t even think about it should be the question.

Foucault said, “truth is already power”. Therefore, I believe, perhaps Questioning or doubting about the truth is the vehicle to acquire the power as a designer. The designer has no authority. They even cannot survive if there isn’t an audience who is willing to listen to designer’s voice. Echo will scatter to the nowhere without a listener. As Foucault claimed if truth is the power, only the vehicle designers could reach the authority must be “Question”.

I failed to understand how Questioning is critical. I even couldn’t get authority over myself.

Thinking is monologue. A soliloquy question. We are not thinking about the answer which already inherent ourselves. We are thinking about the question to seek the answer that we yet find. Frankly, throwing the Right question is not the easy job. Need to be fully prepared and understood the background. If not, as if shoot the bent arrow, how hard I shot repetitively, it will be gone over to the forest.

Yet, I don’t know how to question through my design. I’m trying from “Me”. I just started to make the inquiry about myself.

I thought This January would not end when I came back from travel. My mind was flowing around all over my mind – from very deep to instinct level. All about “what is –” annoying but inevitable questions keep chasing my whole day. A stressful but joyful answer followed me and shifted to another answer.

I was delighted that I had a certain strong opinion. On the other hand, I was worried my answers were sometimes too strong, it seems I am becoming a stubborn and obstinate person which I never want to be. My basic view of life is “accept others life style.”, but it is because I want to my ideology be accepted by others.

New term is starting next week. I can’t believe already 5 days passed since I came back from Prague. 5 days, I have read half of a book, I dyed my hair again — turned out the colour wasn’t strong enough even I cannot recognise I have dyed or not. Still I couldn’t change my beer habit and laziness. And I found my finger nail colour all gone.

Just before Prague, I went to Christmas party. Although one third of my memories are gone and I have lost my new cute beanie , I didn’t lost Christmas gift from my friend which was pretty pink nail varnish. I wanted to do something new to me. So, I manicured my nail. Pink. So pink nail. I am not the one who always dressed up. My nails are short. Since I played piano when I was very young, I keep my nails short. My pink nails made me feel changed. As if Dorothy found red shoes, I felt something new.

So amazing time passed by so quickly. Everything made me amazed and stunned. Lovely companies and sweet times. I had some great conversation about photography and learn from them how to enjoy the moment. Until very last moment, I couldn’t realise this trip would be end some point. As a child who already ate dozens of chocolate, but still pestering more chocolate. I deeply wanted badger for more time. I wanted more time with them at far away place from the life.

And then, last day morning I had found one of my nail varnish had gone. Clearly came off from my finger. It often happened before. Sometimes when I spread too much, because of the thickness it fall apart from the nails. But this time, it hit my head strongly. It seemed saying to me “time to go back kid”

“But I don’t want to!”

I wanted shout. I didn’t expect that I can so into it. I didn’t expect that I would leave my heart that place. So, I haven’t prepared at all about loss.

Today, I had a conversation about the “death”. He told me because he felt so depressed he wanted to die. I asked him what is the image about death? He said it is like turn off the computer or Log off the game. I asked again “but still there is computer? still remained computer is there” He answered, to him, death is likes switch off. I was wonder why he can feel even after effacement. I said to him, “Death” is complete vanishing to me. Anything can’t remains. It seemed his opinion was premised on an idea that there will be something after-life. To me, it is perfect elimination. As if nothing was there before and nothing will be there after. Of course, the others could have memories of me. But, that is their memories of me, they can’t say that is me. Maybe they could have past-me. However, because there is no present-me and future-me, they cannot have “me” after all.

And then, I asked him again. When you think about “death” you think it is just Sleep mode or Shut down as computer, maybe when you are thinking about death, you just wanted to rest from the stress. But, it’s not real death, at least that is not real death to me. Because you still thinking about after.

Because mine and his idea was built on different premise, we couldn’t sure anything. Who can absolutely sure about that? Only the one who can tell the feeling about death is someone who just died, and he can’t tell us. I thought after that conversation that my death won’t be sad. I can feel about “Pre-death” but not actual “Death”. After all, anything — my feeling, my emotion, my memories and my thought will be gone that moment. I can’t think anything, I can’t feel anything. Sadness of the disappearing is for future-me who has future time.

Today, I have found my whole nail colour is no longer there. I was sad. Someone might think I am too sentimental. Oh yeah, I won’t deny that. I put meaning on everything. Everything means to me. There is no such a insignificant moment or thing to me. At same time, I have thought, because Trip was not absolute disappearing, so I can feel sad about my memories — my short trip. Maybe I can manicure Pink again. Maybe I can keep bare for next. Who knows? Only the person who can tell me about future feeling is only Future-me.

 When I was younger than now, I thought if making memory is this much painful, then I don’t want to making another one. How naive thinking it was. How I could think that I can control the flow of my life. Isolating myself and becoming the outsider was not the answer. Anything I have done bring me to the other desire of connection. Maybe I wanted strong link that I can feel absolute relationship. Maybe isolating myself means was just wanting someone come to my island and find me. I know it is very selfish idea. How dare I can say to someone ”please come to get me”. I am not that worth it I thought, but I wanted someone who can makes me I am worth it. Two very different desire’s collision made me lonely.

 For a long time, I have lost my chances to give the map to someone who desired to find my island. What I afraid of? The possibility of actually someone can get in my island or the possibility that someone who find my island and leave again. I think it might be both. All the time, very last moment before someone reach my island, I pulled off the rope. And during watching that rope sinking down to the water deep, I was regretting that I did not do anything and even push away.

 At this trip to Czech, when I see the my group’s photo, I realized how selfish I am. In my photo I was seeing them but not participated inside. I was like a satellite. Surprised how sweet they were and when I saw how they took the photo of me, I wanted cry little. Why I cannot take that sweet and warm picture. Blaming myself why I always step back from it. Why I am looking someone from far way? During I am writing this, I was still thinking the reason why I am 3rd person in my photo. And then reached one answer. Maybe that is the photo that I wanted to see the world through the photo. As I believed about the photography, for me, photo is observation. The photo is not for anyone but for me. It is my eyes and my thought about outside of the world. On one hand, I wanted remaining and anchor the moment or thinking I was there. On the other hand, I was sad I am just observer. Perfectly personalised photo makes me feel isolated loneliness. And when I see my photo, I can feel my loneliness.

 Expressing my happiness and desire is too hard and painful. Seeing the emotion through the photo is much harder. More and more I am wanting to anchor my feeling and memories, more and more pains come to me. One very stubborn outsider is there. Refuses to take their love and choose to remain outsider even though feel so hard.

 I hope someone can teach me to lower the deck and hold the rope. I don’t want say to myself trifling and lame excuses anymore. But becoming satellite is good sometime because I can observe and realize how I am lucky to be surrounding this sweetest moment, only I am not part of that surrounding. Every moment is so precious and shiny to me. I am smiling and crying with each eye. Two emotions always come to in same time. So sad and so happy.

Sometimes – or all the time – I think, if I exposed my very personal thinking, no one can stand with me. Pessimistic and dangerously stubborn my character shows my own idea about the world. This blog was kind of challenge exposure myself. As Photographer uses liquid and tied up the moment on the paper which is not moment we share, if I can say taking photo is same as thinking, chemical process is writing. Writing anchor the thinking and prevent flow away. Interestingly, once anchored thinking cannot be same as the thinking when it appeared to mind. Water and anchor interact each other made another tide. Here’s writing was me but not anymore. Many of them are about past my story, but it is present past. Not same as the moment it happened.

Since I have started to think about myself a lot. I realised past and now me is too different. Some of  inclination is same but lots of them are changed. It looks like there is missing empty space. I am very excitable. Regardless of what kind of emotion, I easily fell in love and get anger. Easily decide to get the conclusion. I also addict something easily. I guess now I addicted with relationship. I wanted show and give them what they want so they like me. Facebook was not my thing. Even I didn’t use text much before. I can eat alone. Don’t care I eat alone. I like to go cinema alone. I avoid crowded place, especially more than 5 people group is the space that I start keep silence. I can stay only inside of the room. I liked to travel alone. Like to take a bus and watch people. Then, something changed. I constantly check the other’s state and reply on my post. Want to listening their voice and show them I am listening.

What’s happening? I am confusing. Now I am looking for the gathering all the time. I want talk and meet people. Is that really I am changed? or I just feel lonely? I had cruel self-regulation which deprived my freedom and provide constancy. Now, that is gone. I started hate myself. I hate being chubby greedy, I don’t like that I started rely on someone. Dependence made me weak. I feel like I am tamed. I want to be unique. And I am sad that I am not unique. I am just one of person who has name “Moon”. People have no need of me. I cannot participate with their life but witnessing. Transient relationship cannot be solution. I continuously arouse myself “You are changing, you should decide you would like it or not”. If not, I will started hate myself.

2.

Still, my thinking about the world is much softened – or brighter than when I was child. Young me couldn’t find the reason why should I live. All the time, even if I found something want to do, I lost my interest very fast – that is almost same with now. My dream was scientist. More accurately say, I wanted to witness the star in my own eye. Even if it has 50/50 to die from the Spaceship – or because there is chance to die with stars, I would gladly go aboard for burning with stars. But for me, Space was more likes fantasy and Utopia which never can be true. Because it is fantasy, it has fascination. I like space. I still love Star Wars and check Sci-fi movies and novels. Yes, my first love was Luke Skywalker! I love to imagine somewhere else. Somewhere that can makes me forget about that I’m alive.

Recently, I could not focus reading novel books. Even I couldn’t start to read. It was first time my mind refuses to read. On the bright fact that I can suppose is I am enjoying present, but I also can say that I have no space to think others. Full packed my mind rejects Utopia. I have a fear that this life road is mine or not. I have doubt about my ability. Greedy me is whipping me If I am not the best, it is same as you are doing nothing. naive me is saying “Whatever”. Funny thing is, turns out I have masochist tendency haha. Be whipped and still standing there and do nothing. After all, nothing left there. Maybe fear is the one reason that I can’t read novel. I miss the time when I can bear and enjoy soleness.

3.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Prague. I hope it can change this confusing situation. Hope this travel tells me about the answer. Stop my drunkenness.

30 years is not short time. I had a chance to have a lot of memories. In many times, that was one-sided record on my brain. Now, I remember as wonderful time. But I think it was not best moment all the time.

I was picky. I was annoyed person I have ever met. I easily got bored and incidentally changed plans. I hated got bored and be lonely. I was distracted by my own world often – and still do. I wanted someone only smile at me all the time, and even angry at me only. I wanted possess whole thing. I wanted whole warmth from the hand, and whole sadness from the heart. I wanted dad, brother and friend and lover. Impatient. That was me.

I have a big problem. I cannot easily sympathize to the other’s emotion. I know what is happening, and I can tell what is best choice to them, but to me hardest part was that I don’t know how to comfort them. I was just analyse situation and emotion, but couldn’t share their feeling. Even sometime, I couldn’t understand what they want from me. Advise? or a solution? I wanted avoid bewildered situation, but also, I wanted share their feeling in same way. To stranger or just friend, it is not big problem. Just I couldn’t be with them totally, and I got lonely in same time. However, when it comes to intimate relationship, it became huge problem.

I cannot pretending normal, and I should not pretending someone is not me. I must showed bare myself, even if that became boomerang to me. That is the relationship what I think. Someone who can share ugly face. Selfish drunker. Who Wants have it all but do not know how to have it all dumm drunker. Too suspicious drunker who can’t believe there will be someone who really like me. Because I know I can’t give them what they want from me, so having a doubt that it will end soon after. Self defensive drunker. Self-hate drunker.

Maybe, this is just pessimism. I might be very nice person or even very attractive person. Even though I have lots of problem, because human cannot be perfect, I am part of that.

I want to see bright side. It is very hard today. Tomorrow will be different.

I will be back to self-confidence funny Moon tomorrow.

Today’s presentation was very interesting to me. I am very sure that we all have very different point of view about the “NAME”. Especially for me, name is very important fragment of myself from all images wrapping around me. As my mom told me, I love myself TOO MUCH (thanks mom). Second interesting thing was “Gender”

Until very recently, I thought I like my name because I am kind of narcissist, adore every part of me. That was the reason I wanted to explore myself as a content and object that I can play with. When I started my project at very first moment, wanted to choose my body as my content. It is one of most my favorite theme – human body figure line. It is most powerful visual vehicle, and vulnerable part for human. This image can represent secular, but also can be ourselves. ( If I started talk about body, I cannot finishing it, so in here I just skip it :p) But because, in my project, I always have thought myself just “moon” as a natural object. Because I exist as “moon” there was no space to think I as a woman. Many of criteria were not set because I am woman, I had a choice because it is me.

However, I was just shocked because many people when they see my body thought “woman body” before they see “moon object”. I was nearly shocked because, although I was aware of my gender thing,  I have not thought about gender matter through my project or in any circumstances.

At the first, I was angry because that gender pard was not I wanted element in my project, also, I didn’t want to choose the other person. I tried to answer myself about that unexpected result that what if I have chosen man object, people still thought “woman body” or not. It was interesting, Why organismal images are so strong? And also I realise most of the Sci-fi novel shows us, when people made a android, first thing to do was make human figure and choose either man or woman. Maybe, even if we made android which do not need to be man or woman, we are comfortable when we know what they are exactly. But, what is the body part of the man or woman? I remember, one of my classmate said the sign of neutral toilet has both man and woman figure. And I started to dip into the other dimension again. How can I represent neutral? rid of breast is neutral? or make long hair with man body is neutral?

Even if made a image with two elements from both gender, it can not be neutral gender, because it still has both gender not removed. Actually, neutral is very hard to bring to real. It is almost 4 dimension difficult. In this point, I realise, how I could I think myself neutral? and rid of such a strong image from my mind.

Is that because I do not believe traditional family composition? then, if we start to make baby without any sexual activity, can we think ourselves without gender matter? Or because I focused inside element rather than outside, I could forget that I am woman? If so, if we concentrate each one of us, not a grouped gender, can we don’t think about gender?

Maybe, it is unnecessary, worthless question. And just accept what we are. But still there is the reason why I missed gender point from my first draft. It is maybe body image, or woman image I suppose.

Ok, moon. Now you have thing to do.

During I was working on my second assignment, which I was researching about Facebook Terms and Service, I started thinking what is the interpretation. Especially about myself.

How I can say I am here? Of course, I am doing something and making some kind of by-product, carbon dioxide and skin scrapes or this writing. But, if no one witnessed my remains and still can I claim I was here and I will be somewhere? That was the start I was thinking about existence. A person who are called “Moon” is exist as a “Moon” but that is not “I”. “Moon” is someone is proved or perceived by someone. It is always possible “Moon” replace me as “I”. But still, that will be not “I” forever, because, “I”is the one no one can see. On the other hand, “Moon” only can be subsisted when someone confirm there is “Moon”

“Moon” is constructed through the images. It means, actually, “Moon” is not existe as a object. It is existe as a subject always in contrary “I”is always object and material. Moon and I never can be coexisted together. They are separated, because object cannot be replaced by subject. After it replaced they both are disappeared. But what is “I” that is thinking now? who is trying to understand and prove myself? What if I started call me other name, then, there will emerge another subject still is not “I”

What makes “Moon” real? I always thought it is started from naming to baby. People started to give a name to baby when they are inside. Before that, even if they are there it actually no meaning of existence. Scary thing is, since baby got the name, actual baby is vanished and replaced by images. People seeing the baby’s body but talk to the one who was given a name. Only one who can say I am here is only “I”. However, it can be proved by the other, therefore, it also can said there is no one.

Produce something, is actually only the way to show someone there was someone. It barely and partially show fragment of me but still the best way to shout out there was someone who wanted to be existed. Every moment, New myself is accidently born from the trace and memories. I cannot control interpretation about “Moon” because it is not “I”. Even, Art or Writing changed to other images and other meaning soon after it is fell apart from “I”‘s hand. Interpreted “Moon” replace “I”.

I do not reject anything about interpretation. But still, I feel there is no power to control. Only I can control is “Thinking”. That is the only free area no interpretation or disruption. I am thinking today, and I will be thinking tomorrow.

I remember after e-book boom started, many friends worried about the ending of the paper book. As they have been telling me, now I can see many people using the kindle or ipad to read book or newspaper. I am not a expert in this field so I cannot point out how it is changed or how will be changed, but I know one thing, I still like paper book more.

Suddenly, I just wanted to know why people or I am missing something from the past? As the past is a Utopia, I adorn the memories and say it was good moment ( and want to go back if possible.) Happiest moment is always the past that I cannot grip again, even painful moment. Painting it with bright colour and contract with present. I thought it is because past is something I cannot reach it again but gradually far away from it as childhood toy. However, I realize its emotion is not related with how I was felt that moment, but it is how I remembering now. Because I chose to how interpret it, past became a childhood toy. Nostalgia for the past is created by me and controlled by me.

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.– Marcus Aurelius

The thinking which I want to re-feel the past made me linger around the moment. My captive mind tempt me to do same thing or even looking for resemblances vigorously. It helps me avert my eye from present loneliness and anguish, but also it draws away from present time.

Everything that I felt is what I chose how interpret it after that moment elapsed. That feeling is also true, but after that ture moment passed, all about is what I want to keep in my mind. I can truly move on when I re-interpret my feeling of moment.

Paper book or e-book, I believe there is no good or bad. I just like paper and ink smell and form of book. Even though more developed book form comes out, I will still love paper book as I like the book, because I chose to love it.

Hall is very interesting place. Because I do not know everyone, so I can arbitrarily interpret them as a stranger. Their behavior and practice are always amuse me. Remains, the past of their belongings, telling me the story. Where they were stayed and what they were eating. I cannot know what exactly happened, but I can understand what was might happened and make my story from that point.

Unsurprisingly, all the object has some stories itself intentionally or unintentionally. Information of object  is like a trace of the owner which has liberty without owner’s experience, its information can be appeared more clearly. Without interruption, emerged information is whispering me their story.

However, once I accept their story, it became my story. The story is not belonged to them anymore. Of course, it can be the other’s story after I told someone or show my picture to someone. This mixed information changed its shape from here to there but still one story of us.

What can you tell me from my story? That is the story of your based on my story and will became our story since we shared. Its process cannot be ceased in some point. Design or art are just captured one point which is already resides and make other division. However, we cannot say it is true or wrong. I just capturing them and show to the other, in this sense, observation is also can be a practice of one-sidedness sharing information.

As elements can become sunshine to solar energy and observed by tree and once again become green pigment to painting pigment. This process is infinitely repeated. By showing the information, artist and designer become a part of circulation.

I think there is one action that I have total discretion is memory of my past. Until I start to speak out to loud, I have perfect dominion with information. Its information started from my inside but based on the matter. It is fragile by ownerself. It also changed altered, however, I have uncontrolled and uninterpreted freedom for manoeuvre. Also, I have the power to choose disappear or maintain by leave the trace such as writing or painting.

I am stated therefore I am no longer exist.

Maybe? maybe not

I still can remember when my mom yelled me “stop asking!”. Maybe that was the time when my bookshelf started fulled. All kind of books from encyclopaedia to romance novel, made my world. If the topic was too difficult then I watched documentary movie. Why it is happening? why do I need to do this? and why I felt like this?

When I was young, it was so hard to question to someone. People were embarrassed by being questioned and change the subject or just said “time will tell”. I get used to search my own answer to be satisfied. Although there were no completed answers, still I could find many explanations but myself. I looked for my asterism or my sex to find why I am different with the others or what I am look like this figure. Progressively, questions are rather getting difficult than simpler.

Recently, I have a passion about the tasting of beer or even I can say Beer stimulate my curiosity. It started 3 years ago when I came to London for the first time. At that time, London was not my favorite place to live. British english made confused and I was not plan to be in London to study English at first place. Enthusiastic London lover classmates energetically spoke how wonderful city we are. And then, I met “Pub” culture. I was so surprised London has around 74 breweries with all different flavor. Even though Japan also has very good Sake places, it is expensive to try very good one. First, I tried Pale Ale which I even did not know about existence. Lager is the one which has an immense popularity among Japan and Korea. Mild and composed sense hit my tongue. IPA and Porter followed my experiences. I wanted tried out all kind of differences between breweries within IPA. Beginning of interest is always so instantly comes to my life, so even I do not realise it have begun. As well as curiosity. Curiosity and interest are interactive process. Both are formed simultaneously and also fade away before I seizing it.

For this term, I got a assignment about investigation. For the first briefing, I have brought large amount of research. However, after finished my briefing, I could not stop thinking I am missing something. I liked research start point because it had a story and concept. Still, large black hole occupied my mind. It made me fussy. After few hours of thinking I finally understand what made my research superficial. Lack of curiosity and passion to obtain knowledge about one subject. As I had a fervor to beer, I needed a subject that I can lost myself. I have not observe enough until I found something. Just choosing the place or one general theme was not enough to made me curious. I needed specific something that I can get into for.

I like stuff my Wunderkammern. For a long time, I think I stopped go further from pinch of curiosity in a way. I think I need to start again. NO. I must.

For a long time, I was not able to write my thought. It was because, after I started living in new place, full of new ideas filled me up until be fed up.

When new ideas emerged into my life, I started get too much excitement and keep thinking only about one thing ’till I satisfy. Normally, I do research through the internet. I like reading a book, but I like more internet sources as a live thinking flowing. In spite of its shallowness, it has freshness around us. After few days of thinking, finally I start internet researching. This part is very important in order to find the interest of the topic – is it the topic that I can continue without get bored?, is it the story that I can make final work? If it proved by me (haha), main researching is started. Books and essays, checking the credibility. It is most time consuming term for one project.

Most of the idea could not pass the “Internet research” part. Sometimes ideas are interesting but I cannot imagine the final work, sometimes because source is not enough to make, and sometimes it was actually not so fine idea.

I use to doing my work on my way and my pace ( as above description ). However,  after I started new life as a fresher in the university, everything makes me confused and lost. Like seize-up by excess of information, my brain is divided two part. New me and Old me.

Old me, do not go museum a lot ( once in a while ), go to the movie theater instead. Old me, do not read philosophical books, read sci-fi or mystery books instead. Old me, do not design about changing, design about existence in order to understand world. Old me, do not believe man’s inborn nature is good, believe human nature is fundamentally evil and that is the reason why we should make a desperate efforts to be good. Old me, do not believe that I have heard, believe the fact after skeptically doubted. Old me, keep asking about everything to the others and to myself. Old me, do not think I am a good person, therefore I should effort to be a good one.

Old me, do not think design as a tool of changing the world ( to Utopia ), but believe that design is a journey of finding the answers. Finally, Ole me likes new and fresh matters. As if old me have got interested about finding new me and trying to cast old skin off, abandoning old me.

Old me, does not want to change. It is because loss of comfort from familiarity. Also, scared of disappearing itself. Old me – Memory, is the one of symbol for familiarly. If there was no piled memory, there is no familiarity either.

続き

I even can remember when I saw him first time in Japan. Vague but clear memories are carved in my mind. Start of spring, He was reading a book with grey long sweater and olive colour backpack at the Narita international airport. First thing I had felt was nervousness. That was, actually, our second time meeting after first time meeting in Korea. After my three months Language course was finished, I visited to my parent and met him as a friend. I was shivering with unexpected cold. I remember that was so damn cold so I could not remember anything after long walk.

We had a conversation at the returning airport bus by English. Because, I just came back from NYC after three months of Language course and he graduated Art school previous year, he wanted try to practice my language. It would be funny if I listen that conversation now. I was tensed by meeting — almost — stranger and I was be there as a Japan guide to him in recompense for his guidance at Korea. He was sharper and more gloomy than now. He merely said few words and that made me more nervous.

Although I have never counted how many years passed, I can feel he affected me in many ways. The impact of the existence is stronger than any of other things. Especially, if that is a someone who shared deep mind without border, as if I have broken my cage I cannot turn back the page. As an only daughter, I used to be alone. I could spend a month without meeting someone or speaking any words. It was so easy so I could not realise that is strange things. However, past few years I became a person who cannot endure the silence or loneliness. Constantly, I needed something to make me exciting and gave the vitality. I started pursuit of togetherness socially and privately which I never imagined before.

Unfortunately, he did not teach me how to be alone. I forgot to be alone. Once I accustomed to connect with someone all day and share all the tiny issues in my life, I started scare to go back to when I was live inside of my world. I think I was not miserable that time, just alteration of the selfness made whole thing differently. In London, I am alone. I made few friends in my class but I already started to miss the deep connection with someone who knows about me without words. It cannot be built a day. It needs sacrifice from part of my life to understand each other fully.

I am lost my way now. I want to concentrate my future but I cannot find a way from loneliness, immatureness and vagueness are filling me. I know I should used to be alone to survive from my life. I also hope it can be great opportunity to grow up as one independent person who is not influenced easily by the others. Sincerity, I should figure out how can I stand from this situation.

In retrospect, I had some craving all the time. The longing for the toys which is unpermitted, the desire for the person who can make my hear beat all the time. This never dampened feeling is controlling me damn good. It makes me anxious and sometimes angry. Funny thing is, as much I into something I start pull off the distance and try go back when I was innocent of the subject. Pretend cold as cucumber, or even more, act like nothing can affect me. However, inside of me is shouting to me for help, to release innocent emotion and expose myself.

I have an awkward habit that only few people know. That is, I start laughing when I got scary. When I was 28, I took a rollercoaster — as far I know that was my first rollercoaster, I can bear scary movie or ghost story but the high altitude is one of my biggest enemy all the time. Especially, that falling plump down is one thing I would never try again. As if my heart is not following my body and only my blood is descending, I could not feel my body as a part. Then, I started laughing. Not just smile, biggest laughing I have ever laughed out. If someone saw me, he would think I was really enjoying it.

On a contrary, when I got strong emotion in my heart, I start chilling outside. Feigning nothing is happened inside, desperately make a distance from my desire. It is because, I think, once I accept thinking I cannot control myself anymore. The monster which was small hence harmless start grow and shaking curly. As if Possessiveness is now get the admission to be riot, aggressively handling me think the subject.

As much as possible, I am trying to avoid to be in certain emotion, because through my experience I know the truth that there is only one people who left over is me. On the other I, am brutal monster. It sometimes takes my position and emotion to achieve my desire. This never ending games have always ended painfully. Either I weary to hold on, or got vanished from it. Vulnerable herbivore cannot survive from the dangerous hunters, but I believe, hunters also makes herbivore stronger to stay alive — dense muscle, acute judgement and see through eyes.

I hope I have strength to endure the fact that I am desperate. Time will fly away as these denial fade away. Then, no one have to remember but me. All the feelings pile me up with memories — nervous, scary but sweet. I am hoping I can be blunt soon. Or as before, hurt me as soon as possible.

How Fucking sour-sweat night it is

Write, record

  Today, finally I slept almost 8 hours. It was normal to me sleep 10 hours a day. So, I guess I am getting better to get my own phase.

  Today’s dinner was Korean. I am not always fond of Korean food. It is because I cannot eat spicy food well, also I have shellfish allergy (many of Kimchis use shrimp sauce). The place name BIBIGO is I guess comes from the Korean word BIBIDA (means mix) and BIBIM BAB(mixed rice with vegetable). 11 members of my classmates were joined today’s dinner. I do not know they tried Korean food before or like it, but it is always pleasure to try different culture.

 Basement was quite cozy and just fit for 11 people. Most of them ordered different foods. 4 of fermented soybean soups, and the others selected noodles and beef dishes.

Reflect, think about

 It was comparatively more interesting what they are choosing than Korean. As Korean has a specific images about the Korean cuisine, they had no boundaries to choose dishes. Some have chose Ramen, the others have chose marinated beef and spicy fried chicken. For me, fried chicken or Ramen is not for dinner. I take that as a nibbles.

 I think sometimes it is more interesting that observing people’s choice from foreigner food than experience exotic dishes myself. Follow cultural culinary images, people draw picture from the description from the menu. It is likely to leads wrong direction and reaches totally different expectation.

 Menu caption explain ingredient and how it cooked, grilled or roasted or broiled. But, it is not working as a picture, because people have diverse imaginations. It is a fun part when I going out to dinner at unfamiliar food.

Analyze, explain, gain insight

 Communication through the written words is unexceptionally hard working. Previous research is necessary to clear connection. Same word can be interpreted diverse ways. Communication needs major premise which people share their culture.

 Cuisine  is most culture based custom. It can be changed in any situation, by climate or period of time et cetera. In terms of vulnerableness, It is hard to grasp core idea from the others.

Conclusions

 I always curious about how much communication can going bad or wrong. What if, actually anything did not convey to the others even after few hours conversation? As if I am talking by myself, all my words were gone to void?

 I think caption of menu is interesting in this flow of thinking.

 

Two weeks classes and uncountable insomnia. I think this is the main words for my recent life. Some people told me probably I got stress too much, the other told that I am in the period of adaptation for new environment. Maybe both opinion is true. I do not have certainty to any of reason.

I recall how many night I was staying still front of my computer in Japan. I remember my loneliness at that time. Practically, I had a many drinking night with my friends. If they called me I always prepared to run up to them whenever or wherever until the sunshine shade on my eyelids. It was unimportant that I had a class next day or I have a hangover from last night drinks. I was glad that they remembered my existence and I received the message from that situations as a deep friendship.

Frankly, I do not know I really wanted irregular nights. What I was doing at party was just listen their trouble and sometimes gave them small advises and of course tons of drinks. As if let the time flow away from the present, they drunk and told about their future and life. Many nights, I had though I am participate in my gang through endless nights. I had thought I was part of them. However, it had not helped me to got out from the shell.

Now, I am trying to ascertain the cause of loneliness during that period, because it might help me to get through this time.

14일 정도가 흘렀다. 어느새 일주일이 순식간에 지나버렸다고 느끼면서도, 또 아직 일주일 밖에 지나지 않았다는 것이 신기하기만 하다. 반에서 느꼈던 고립감은 아마도 내 성격에서 비롯된 것이라는 생각이 들면서도 함께하고자 노력함에도 뜻대로 되지 않는 것 같다는 기분이 든다.

이번주 내내 끊임없이 배우고 있는 비평적 생각하기는 생각보다 내 생활에 뿌리 박혀 있었다는 생각이 요즘 계속 날 채우고 있다. 주관적 생각이 많이 영향을 주고 있지만, 난 끊임없이 의심하고 계속해서 정답을 바란다. 애매모호하게 표현되는 내 말투와 다르게 다른이들의 말에선 정확한 의미와 확답을 요구하며 뒤쫓는다. 그 사람의 이야기에 목말라하고 각자의 인생의 이야기를 듣고 싶어한다. 하지만 나의 대화는 때때로 매우 건조하고 또 지루하다. 즐거운 시간에 많은 사람들은 그런 이야기들을 하기 싫어하고 가볍고 흘러가는 대화들로 시간을 채워간다. 무의미해 보이는 행위에서 목적을 찾고 남지 않는 이야기에서 영원성을 추구한다. 친해진다는 것은 그런의미로 매우 의미 없게 느껴지기도 한다.

새로운 공간에 속하게 되는 순간, 나는 새로운 사람들을 만나며 그들과 익숙해지기 위해 많은 시간 을 투자한다. 돈과 나의 시간을 투자하며 그 사람들과 함께하는 시간에 의의를 두는 것은 나 또한 그들처럼 외로움을 느끼고 있기도 하고, 그들과의 만남에서 나의 내면을 더욱더 내보이고 싶어하는 마음 또한 있다고 생각한다. 하지만 앞서도 말했듯이, 그런 시간들은 결코 완벽하게 수확될 수 없다. 많은 시간이 그렇게 소비되고 나 자신의 주체성도 희미해 진다. 그런 결말을 인지하고 있으면서도, 힘껏 집중하고 난 후의 의기소침은 여전히 간단하게 이겨낼 수 없는 싸움 같다.

하루 전, 학급 아이들과 반회식을 가졌다. 모두가 함께하진 않았지만 12명 가량의 아이들이 중국 샤부샤부를 먹으면서 간단한 대화를 나눴다. 대화의 내용은 사실 그다지 대단하지 않았다. 개인적인 이야기 개인적인 질문들, 쓸대없다고도 생각되는 이야기들. 사실, 그런 대화들은 하나씩 하나씩 모여 커다란 개성을 만들어 내고 하나의 이미지를 만들어낸다. 쉽게 내뱉는 말들이 무엇보다도 막강한 나 자신을 만들어내는 것이다. 계획할 수 없고 의도할 수 없는 짧은 시간동안 내 입에서 쏟아져 나가는 단어들은 내가 생각하는 것보다도 더 가득하게 나를 채워나가며 어느 순간 난, 그 단어들로 이루어진 무엇인가가 된다. 하지만 그것이 정말 나 자신인 것일까? 난 내가 그런 의미지로 전환 되길 원하지 않았고, 내가 그렇게 채워지길 바라지 않았다. 외동딸, 한국인 그리고 30대. 많은 단어들이 나를 정의하지만 난 그 어느것에도 속하지 않고 그 무엇도 날 의미하지 않는다. 그것들은 그저 나를 묘사할뿐 날 분석해주지 않는다.

내가 누구인가를 해석하는 것은 결국 매우 개인적인 행위이다. 한발 더 나아가, 나를 누군가에게 전달하는 것은 불가능해 보일정도로 고된 작업이다. 수많은 시간을 같이 보낸다고 해도 결코 쉽게 전달되는 것은 아니다. 그것은 많은 기술과 노력이 필요하고 그 전에 나에 대한 스스로의 이해가 필수적이다.

많은 사람들이 디자인은 다른이들을 향한 작업이라고들 말한다. 누군가의 입맛에 맞게 만들고 그들의 취향을 분석해서 그들의 지갑을 열게하는 행위 라고도 말한다. 하지만 나에게 있어서 디자인은 아트가 완성시킬수 없는 부분을 채워줄 수 있는 도구이다. 다른 사람을 분석하는 것은 남을 이해해 그들이 나의 의미를 더욱 분명하고 확실하게 이해하기 위함이고, 결국 그 본질은 나의 이야기 혹은 나의 의중을 마음 속에 인식시키는 작업이라고 난 생각한다. 리서치와 분석은 결코 그 목적이 될 수 없다. 많은 학문의 근본은 결국 “이야기”에 있지 않을까? 오히려 그 점에서 디자인은 예술에서 한 발 더 나아간 학문이 아닐까라는 생각이 든다. 커뮤니케이션에서 가장 중요한 것은 사실 내가 말하고자 하는 점을 확실하게 하는 것에 있다. 전달은 그 후에 이루어지는 것이며 나 자신에 대한 끊임없는 갈망이 우선시 되어야 의사소통이 성공적으로 이행될 수 있다.

그런 점에서, 난 아직 나에 대한 이해가 끝나지 않았다고 생각한다. 내가 나도모르게 전달하고 있는 내 이미지들이 나를 확정 시킨다고 생각하지 않는다. 아직까지 난 내 스스로에 대한 분석이 끝나지 않았고, 나의 취향에 대한 확신도 얻지 못했다. 많은 시간 많은 것들을 경험해보며 무엇을 내가 좋아하고 어떤 것들을 내가 싫어하는 가에 대해 흐릿하게나마 인식하게 되었지만, 그것들은 여전히 흐린 하늘처럼 간간한 빛을 보여줄 뿐이다. 언제쯤 확신으로 밝게 빛날 수 있을까. 언제쯤 난 어떤 사람인가에 대해 구체적으로 설명할 수 있을까. 언제나 나의 인생의 목적은 나를 향해 있으며, 그것들이 밖으로 향하게 될 수 있는 순간, 그 순간이 내가 디자인을 알게되었다고 말할 수 있게 되지 않을까 생각해 본다.