It is surprising in both ways, one is it is already July, and the other is it is yet July. It is not unusual that contradictory two emotions floating around me. Still, I would like to say, this time, more than before, too many emotions and thinking is messing around me.

Few updates of my personal life. First, I had a very short crush this year, and it is over suddenly. Second, I finally stop talking with my ex, text or phone call. Oh, btw I came back to Korea.

Which is more hurt? Which makes me more miserable? Hard to tell. One thing I am sure is I lost my only person who can talk to honestly and sincerely. Maybe it is rightly say that it is not ‘lost’ but ‘throw away.’ No matter what he had done to me, or how he was thinking about me, I cannot deny he was my friend, family, and part of myself. Few people told me that I should cut him off and then I can find a new one soon. But what they didn’t know was I am not that kind of person who can easily find someone and open all the secrete evil mind. I had no one, and I have no one. It was same with my ex. He never understood what is true ‘alone.’ I am the only child and had experienced the moment only someone who can talk to is imaginary friend. Whatever people call it, a toxic relationship? Or a mad lover? Oh, believe me, I had enough of that. But at least he was there for me and listened to what I talked. The first warm experience I had and I doubt that I can have once more.

What now, where are all people who gave me advice? Where are they in my life? Where are you?

You disappeared.

No, I don’t blame you. I knew this will happen. No matter how much people dismiss the idea that they’ll be living on the other side but not with me. I knew I will be alone again. Once I told someone that I’ll obsess with him. What he might don’t understand was that I will obsess with bringing him into my life. I didn’t mean texting or calling once in a year, I expect him to share everything and be prepared to be shared with me everything. What are you doing? How was your day? What are you thinking? Tell me everything. I should be a mundane and fundamental element for his life. 

I don’t like it when you are happy without me. I am jealous of every moment of you without me. Honestly, I was seriously thinking of going there.
But. I suppose you are not. I suppose I was dreaming.

Well.

The story must be ended. There is no next chapter for these relationships. It is drained to think about what he is thinking or how is his life every day, it is just echos, a monologue with no replies. Life never goes back as before. It will be changed however, and I must stand up. I still have this blog I can talk to. My projects where I can express with.
Although there will be no answer, and I still miss you.