It is kind of funny when I call myself a designer. I haven’t said the word “designer” this much until I came to London. Every time I sound “dizáinər”, I start to think about what is the designer and whether can I call myself a designer before I define the meaning. As if I am calling myself a designer, so the word designer is defined by me.

Recently, I had a lucky to work with sound makers or sound treaters. Their imaginations were fascinating because how much I tried, I couldn’t reach their world. In my world, even music works as visible images. As soon as source departed from the origin, it changed to form and playing around in my head. Analogical comparison and process dancing around so fast even I cannot take a snapshot of that moment.

Then, I play slow motioned live video in my head trying to figure out what is actually happening and what makes me think in that specific way. It is not same as swim upstream fish but barely holding the fragments before it split into another stream. Even sometimes I feel I do not own my ideas, but they are living as another individual creator. It makes me confused that I am thinking or they are thinking.

I am not controlling my idea. I am asking cooperation with me to thinking fragments. They are telling me some stories, and I weaving together to understand. Sometimes I overwhelmed their imagination and lost the way to go back. Likes Hansel and Gretel who couldn’t resist their desire. I cannot hold my objectivity. Replaced imagination world is so wonderful to live in, except I cannot be there forever.

Am I a designer? Or they are?

I have been studying so-called design stuff. It was a kind of journey to figure out what I don’t want to do. When I was in middle school, I found that I am not good at decorating notebook when I saw my friends are all playing with colourful pens and drawings on their schedule note or textbook notes. I was not just bad, hated it. I couldn’t understand why they are doing it. Full of colourful lines disturbed reading, and even they collided each other. After I had found that I also had discovered that I am not good at composition. Every time there was a competition for the drawing such as precautions against fire poster. My classmates recommended me to applying represented to the class. I tried, and I noticed that I couldn’t do any of drawing if I cannot find the reason for doing it or what do I want to say personally. Frankly, I don’t like elaborate colouring and line drawing because of my clumsy hands.

I didn’t like to design or make something like furniture. I found that when I was in BA. I just couldn’t imagine the 2D world as a 3D world. Still, it is very hard to interchange 2D to 3D or 3D to 2D. Lack of imagination, I thought, and still do. So much maladroit or unprofessional thought. Or maybe childish even. I was looking for that I like, and I can do best.

The reason why I chose communication design was, I wanted to be connected with others without boundaries. Visual forms and images were A language to me. It is a representation of the desire to be part of someone. I do care what I want to say, but I do care more how people listen to my words and how people understand my conversation. Are they listening? Are they willing to have a conversation with me? Am I making them got bored?

But, this desire of communication can make me be called Designer? Becuase I am making the thing in visibles, so I am a designer? If the human is a social animal, why we all can be called a designer? What makes the word “Designer” different? Because designers decided to call themselves so?

One thing that found until now is that I like to think human as a subject, including me.

I am thinking. Maybe cells are thinking, or maybe nothing is thinking.